I’d rather just keep this to myself…

Originally Published December 2017

I can't keep nothin from my damn husband. NOTHIN. Even the stuff I SHOULD probably keep to myself, including explicit dreams involving hashing things out with exes. A few times I've relayed the details to a friend who'll inevitabely say, "yeaaah Joe doesn't need to know ALL that..." ...but he ends up knowin all that 'n the director's cut. I remember a year into us dating, I'd had a rough lunch with my mom and she'd told me some maybe true, maybe not so true things that just pummeled me. I layed in bed sobbing 'n he just spooned me 'n started rocking me humming 'n singing, "Here comes the sun..."

In all my life I've never experienced someone who can just hold space for me to step into my strength like he does. To hold me and bolster me firmly, not out of their own image of me, but encouraging me to climb further out on the branch of my true nature. That's a rare thing in friends, family, teachers, and relationships of all sorts. Most of us have a comfortable image of who someone is in our mind, and if they begin straying outside the bounds, we become uncomfortable and so less supportive out of our own fear of losing control of our environment. It takes a lot of weight off ourselves to realize when we are loving our idea of someone, and not the actual reality of them.

Sunday morning with this super moon ready to roll, I told him I'd like to do a simple ritual together to help clear out the dust 'n bring in the new. He agreed, as this is nothing new between us, but I always seem to think he's just being agreeable. After almost 8 years I still think he's just being agreeable. This is a man who when asked how is meal is from the waiter, will politely say, "It could use a little more heat, but it's pretty good."

He's not really one to show complaisance, but I still have the shyness around showing the brightest parts of myself so I often tell myself he's just being nice.

That way I can kinda weasel my way outta steppin up to the plate ya know what I mean?

Around 8:30 we were sitting side by side on the couch, me reading, and him playing a game. I was already 3 minutes into a conversation in my head, "He doesn't wanna do another damn ritual. I'll just forget to mention it 'n do somethin by myself later, no biggie." Except right at that moment he started nudging me 'n sayin, "Whatcha wanna do baaabe? We still doin this?" "Um...yeah ok...lemme just...go pee 'n I'll get stuff ready." I cleaned off our alter where he keeps his cards and runes on one side and I have mine on the other with our tree in the middle. I got out my bowl and herbs and charcoal to burn my copal resin. I always prefer to just make things up as they come to me with this stuff as I feel more intune that way. (also that problem with authority...) He came in 'n I told him what I had in mind 'n he smiled 'n began helping me break apart dried herbs and drop them into the water. We walked out onto the back deck to place our bowl under the full moon 'n I thought to myself, "he should play the singin bowl over our blessed water," and I turned around to see him coming out with the singing bowl in his hands. I grabbed the copal 'n we stood outside together under the full moon as he played for a good 10 minutes. I just stood there with tears streaming down my cheeks, as usual haha. We listened to one of the cows behind our house come closer and closer to stand 'n listen to the humming.

I had bought that singing bowl years ago in Wilmington 'n was excited to show him, but had a feeling that I should let him find it on his own. I walked in the house from work that afternoon to see him standing in our loft with the bowl humming away in his hands, "This thing is awesome!" As we walked inside Sunday night and put things away he mentioned how much he enjoyed playing it. I of course began crying again 'n said, "I know you do. Remember when I came in 'n you were already playin it in Wilmington? That bowls all you babe, you a pro." As terrified as I've felt time after time to let the parts of myself speak that I don't even fully understand yet, it's received with open arms, and most often than not, he opening up just the same. How often do we do this with people in our lives?

I remember we did a mediation while living in Moorseville 'n I began singing 'n heard him begin toning right along with me. Afterward he said, "I felt like I was spinning until I let the tones come out 'n then the dizziness stopped, I felt solid." 'n I exclaimed, "THATS RIGHT!!! You're feelin the energy building and it needs a channel! You got it babe!"

Really showing up as 110% ourselves, including the shadow self that's talked about so often, (it's actually comfortable to live in our shadow, to be mediocre. to just slide down into the lowest parts of ourselves 'n doggie paddle. most people glorify it, put a filter on it, 'n call it the good life.) Most importantly I'm talkin the BRIGHTEST side of our moon that we sometimes wanna keep behind the tree line. The parts of us that we know will open us to scrutiny and raised eyebrows. When you step more into those parts of yourself I can gaurantee you'll feel some people around you get uncomfortable. 'N that's totally ok! When everyone's on the same page, it's easy to be confident and loud about something you're not, because if you're judged or booed off stage, you still know it was just an act 'n everyone goes down with you. When something is natural to us alone, comes without question or instruction, and feels as if we ourselves are birthing it into existence...THAT can be a lil nerve wracking to perform infronta the judges.

It's wild to see actors interviewed that have played these brash and outrageous roles, only to find that in reality, they are soft spoken 'n quite timid, not at all like the characters they play. Putting on a mask allows us to become anything, because we ourselves are no longer the ones at risk, only the persona itself becomes truly vulnerable. 'N I don't care if it's the new host of Blue's Clues or this years top adult film performer, an acts an act, it can go either way.

Whether it agrees with societies opinions or not, what is it you've dreamt of doing? Of saying? Of singing? What is something you feel if you said or did, could cost you friends or family, and so you keep it quiet in the back row? We all got somethin, big or small, and it could be your greatest gift to everyone.

Divine Message-

"Let us pray for the ones like us, that they may come out from under the covers and join us in the sun."

xoxo!!!

-Dr. Rebecca Garifo